I have no idea what I'm doing

This is me trying to be an adult. I don't have all the answers but I'm constantly searching. I'm in love with a girl who makes me swoon. I have a stupid chronic illness, Lupus, that sometimes kicks my ass. But I'm kicking it right back.

cry it out

Sometimes you just have to cry it out.  The hard part is finding the time.  Because when I get going, I really get into it.  This usually happens in the car, but today it’s in my bed.

I went to a lupus support group with my girlfriend last night(she’s the best), and it felt so good to see people like me.  I haven’t felt so relieved in months.  To know other people go through the same things as me makes me feel so much better.  But the hard part about it, is that I think I’m really finally accepting that I have Lupus.  These problems are real, and I’m going to deal with them for the rest of my life, and that’s a hard big pill to swallow.

It’s my new reality, and it will take a lot of adjusting, but I think I’m doing okay.  It just really sucks.  I just want to be like everyone else and do whatever I want, but that’s not my reality anymore and I have to face it.  I have to let my friends know that after I work a really busy shift, and I know we had plans, but that I literally can’t walk and need to heat my knees for the night instead.  I feel bad, and I miss my friends.  I miss my old life, where I was just living and having fun and working towards finishing my degree and starting a career.  

Maybe this is maturity, maybe it’s the lupus, maybe it’s the fact that I’m in a stable, loving relationship.  Everything is stable right now.  While that feels amazing, I just wonder what comes next and I’m scared.

I’m trying to plan my life after I graduate this summer.  I so badly want to teach, I just don’t know how realistic it is.  I want to work with people with mental illness too, which seems more realistic.  I just don’t know, and it gives me extreme anxiety.  When you’re in your 20’s, you can get away with searching yourself.  I feel like I never got a chance to get to know myself, to do what I wanted to do, to be a real teen.  I just turned 30, but I feel about 23.  

Sometimes my pain gets so bad that it’s all I think about.  I don’t want to take a pain pill because I’m terrified of getting addicted.  But being in pain effects my mood I think.  I overcompensate a lot.  I’m myself, but I don’t want anyone to know how much pain i’m in on a daily basis.  I don’t know who to tell and I don’t know what to do about it.  

I really just don’t know.  But maybe that’s okay.  I have today.  I have strength to get through today.  Tomorrow is tomorrow and we’ll just have to wait to see how it goes.  Maybe I should stop obsessing about the future and focus on now….like that stack of papers I should be filling out, but I’m writing this instead.

In good news I get to have a handicap sign for my car!  Rockstar parking all the time.  But really, sometimes I hurt so bad that I can’t walk really far, so it’s going to help.  I’m thankful for that.

Just writing this makes me feel better, but it’s the reality that is still here.  The only thing I can do is deal with it.  It could be worse.  It can ALWAYS be worse.  I should be more thankful for what I have. 

seriously, if it’s sucking the life out of you, stop giving it attention. if it’s a job, you need to quit. if it’s a person, cut them out. if it’s an activity, by all means, STOP. stop letting anything but YOU take the wheel. you’re going to be okay. time WILL pass. get outta there and make your dreams a reality. you don’t deserve anxiety, you’re not operating at your best when someone or something ELSE is in control. take over. get some good vibes cranking and just be happy in your own skin. love your life. delete the rest.

—the quiet rabbit (via thequietrabbit)

(via madelinefeline)



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