I have no idea what I'm doing

This is me trying to be an adult. I don't have all the answers but I'm constantly searching. I'm in love with a girl who makes me swoon. I have a stupid chronic illness, Lupus, that sometimes kicks my ass. But I'm kicking it right back.

cry it out

Sometimes you just have to cry it out.  The hard part is finding the time.  Because when I get going, I really get into it.  This usually happens in the car, but today it’s in my bed.

I went to a lupus support group with my girlfriend last night(she’s the best), and it felt so good to see people like me.  I haven’t felt so relieved in months.  To know other people go through the same things as me makes me feel so much better.  But the hard part about it, is that I think I’m really finally accepting that I have Lupus.  These problems are real, and I’m going to deal with them for the rest of my life, and that’s a hard big pill to swallow.

It’s my new reality, and it will take a lot of adjusting, but I think I’m doing okay.  It just really sucks.  I just want to be like everyone else and do whatever I want, but that’s not my reality anymore and I have to face it.  I have to let my friends know that after I work a really busy shift, and I know we had plans, but that I literally can’t walk and need to heat my knees for the night instead.  I feel bad, and I miss my friends.  I miss my old life, where I was just living and having fun and working towards finishing my degree and starting a career.  

Maybe this is maturity, maybe it’s the lupus, maybe it’s the fact that I’m in a stable, loving relationship.  Everything is stable right now.  While that feels amazing, I just wonder what comes next and I’m scared.

I’m trying to plan my life after I graduate this summer.  I so badly want to teach, I just don’t know how realistic it is.  I want to work with people with mental illness too, which seems more realistic.  I just don’t know, and it gives me extreme anxiety.  When you’re in your 20’s, you can get away with searching yourself.  I feel like I never got a chance to get to know myself, to do what I wanted to do, to be a real teen.  I just turned 30, but I feel about 23.  

Sometimes my pain gets so bad that it’s all I think about.  I don’t want to take a pain pill because I’m terrified of getting addicted.  But being in pain effects my mood I think.  I overcompensate a lot.  I’m myself, but I don’t want anyone to know how much pain i’m in on a daily basis.  I don’t know who to tell and I don’t know what to do about it.  

I really just don’t know.  But maybe that’s okay.  I have today.  I have strength to get through today.  Tomorrow is tomorrow and we’ll just have to wait to see how it goes.  Maybe I should stop obsessing about the future and focus on now….like that stack of papers I should be filling out, but I’m writing this instead.

In good news I get to have a handicap sign for my car!  Rockstar parking all the time.  But really, sometimes I hurt so bad that I can’t walk really far, so it’s going to help.  I’m thankful for that.

Just writing this makes me feel better, but it’s the reality that is still here.  The only thing I can do is deal with it.  It could be worse.  It can ALWAYS be worse.  I should be more thankful for what I have. 

seriously, if it’s sucking the life out of you, stop giving it attention. if it’s a job, you need to quit. if it’s a person, cut them out. if it’s an activity, by all means, STOP. stop letting anything but YOU take the wheel. you’re going to be okay. time WILL pass. get outta there and make your dreams a reality. you don’t deserve anxiety, you’re not operating at your best when someone or something ELSE is in control. take over. get some good vibes cranking and just be happy in your own skin. love your life. delete the rest.

—the quiet rabbit (via thequietrabbit)

(via madelinefeline)

witchfoot:

rosydrops:

Cleaning
clean bathroom tips
organize your closet
how to fix a leaky faucet
how to keep a clean kitchen
removing stains from your carpet
Money
how to coupon
what to do when you can’t pay your bills
see if you’re paying too much for your cell phone bill
how to save money
How to Balance a Check Book
How to do Your Own Taxes
Health
how to take care of yourself when you’re sick
things to bring to a doctor’s appointment
what to expect from your first gynecologist appointment
how to make a doctor’s appointment
how to pick a health insurance plan
a list of stress relievers
how to get free therapy

how to remove a splinter


how to avoid a hangover

Emergency
what to do if you get pulled over by a cop
a list of hotlines in a crisis
things to keep in your car in case of an emergency

how to do the heimlich maneuver

Food
no-more-ramen: easy, quick, simple recipes
recipes that take 30 minutes or less
Yummy apple thing
Brownie in a cup
Cookie in a cup
French bread pizza
Egg tacos
panera mac n cheese recipe
different salad recipes
harry potter recipes
healthy recipes
various cookie recipes
chocolate cupcakes w/ eggless cookie dough topping
s’mores pie 
nutella hot chocolate
peanut butter nutella swirl cookies
cookie in a mug
starbucks holiday drinks
fruit leathers 
brownie in a mug
how to make ramen 1000x better
eggless cookie dough (not to bake, just to eat)
make recipes using things you already have
how to put together a very fancy cheese plate 
make different flavored lemonades
various desert recipes
make tiny chocolate chip cookies
20 dishes every cook should know
learn how to make your own tea
Macaroni and cheese in a mug
Study snacks (2)
40 on-the-go breakfast recipes
Home
what the hell is a mortgage?
first apartment essentials checklist
how to care for cacti and succulents
the care and keeping of plants 
Getting an apartment
Job
time management
create a resume
find the right career
how to pick a major

how to avoid a hangover

how to interview for a job

how to stop procrastinating

How to write cover letters
Travel
ULTIMATE PACKING LIST
Traveling for Cheap 
Travel Accessories
The Best Way to Pack a Suitcase
How To Read A Map
How to Apply For A Passport
How to Make A Travel Budget
Better You
read the news
leave your childhood traumas behind
how to quit smoking

how to get a book published


how to knit


how to use a polaroid camera


how to solve a rubik’s cube


how to stop biting your nails


how to stop procrastinating


how to stop skipping breakfast


how to stop micromanaging


how to stop avoiding asking for help


how to stop swearing constantly


how to stop being a pushover

learn another language
how to improve your self-esteem
how to sew
learn how to embroider
how to love yourself
learn how to do yoga
100 tips for life
learn how to make your own cards


WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH

Love this!

witchfoot:

rosydrops:

Cleaning

Money

Health

Emergency

Food

Home

Job

Travel

Better You

WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH

Love this!

(via hannah-darling)