Sometimes you just have to cry it out. The hard part is finding the time. Because when I get going, I really get into it. This usually happens in the car, but today it’s in my bed.
I went to a lupus support group with my girlfriend last night(she’s the best), and it felt so good to see people like me. I haven’t felt so relieved in months. To know other people go through the same things as me makes me feel so much better. But the hard part about it, is that I think I’m really finally accepting that I have Lupus. These problems are real, and I’m going to deal with them for the rest of my life, and that’s a hard big pill to swallow.
It’s my new reality, and it will take a lot of adjusting, but I think I’m doing okay. It just really sucks. I just want to be like everyone else and do whatever I want, but that’s not my reality anymore and I have to face it. I have to let my friends know that after I work a really busy shift, and I know we had plans, but that I literally can’t walk and need to heat my knees for the night instead. I feel bad, and I miss my friends. I miss my old life, where I was just living and having fun and working towards finishing my degree and starting a career.
Maybe this is maturity, maybe it’s the lupus, maybe it’s the fact that I’m in a stable, loving relationship. Everything is stable right now. While that feels amazing, I just wonder what comes next and I’m scared.
I’m trying to plan my life after I graduate this summer. I so badly want to teach, I just don’t know how realistic it is. I want to work with people with mental illness too, which seems more realistic. I just don’t know, and it gives me extreme anxiety. When you’re in your 20’s, you can get away with searching yourself. I feel like I never got a chance to get to know myself, to do what I wanted to do, to be a real teen. I just turned 30, but I feel about 23.
Sometimes my pain gets so bad that it’s all I think about. I don’t want to take a pain pill because I’m terrified of getting addicted. But being in pain effects my mood I think. I overcompensate a lot. I’m myself, but I don’t want anyone to know how much pain i’m in on a daily basis. I don’t know who to tell and I don’t know what to do about it.
I really just don’t know. But maybe that’s okay. I have today. I have strength to get through today. Tomorrow is tomorrow and we’ll just have to wait to see how it goes. Maybe I should stop obsessing about the future and focus on now….like that stack of papers I should be filling out, but I’m writing this instead.
In good news I get to have a handicap sign for my car! Rockstar parking all the time. But really, sometimes I hurt so bad that I can’t walk really far, so it’s going to help. I’m thankful for that.
Just writing this makes me feel better, but it’s the reality that is still here. The only thing I can do is deal with it. It could be worse. It can ALWAYS be worse. I should be more thankful for what I have.